Trading Hair Secrets
by utsubame
Summary: [ONE SHOT] Duo and Relena actually are friends? Heero learns that this is a mistake... the hard way. 1x2 mentioned only


**Disclaimer: **In an alternate universe where Tsu is emperor, GW and the boys are owned by her. Anyone who says otherwise will be executed! –queue evil/insane laugh-

**Warnings: **Erm… Tsu's sick way of attempting humour? Not much except the usual like shounen-ai, some risqué jokes, friendly Relena (gasps!).

**Notes: **Written for nataliethompson on LJ for her request

**Trading Hair Secrets**

Would I be too much of a whiner if I complained that my lover abandoned me?

I glared at the note he left by our bedside.

_Heero,_

_Out shopping with Relena. Don't miss breakfast._

_Love ya,_

_Duo_

Love indeed.

It was the weekend and I was looking forward to some 'us' time. Nothing much, just cleaning the house, cooking meals, doing the laundry, watching some TV, snuggling on the couch, snogging on the couch, which would ultimately lead to other interesting things. Both of us have gotten a little too used to peace, not that it was a bad thing. After all, we paid the highest price for it, might as well enjoy it to the fullest.

I first realised I love Duo not too long after the second war. Perhaps I have been infatuated with him long before, but with other things on my mind it didn't really register until I was lying on that hospital bed with nothing but Relena and time by my side. All of a sudden, I couldn't get how his ass looked in a flight suit out of my mind. I have never considered myself homosexual, hell, I have always been asexual, hence the constant keeping Relena at arms length yet, running to her rescue every time. I think Relena was taken aback more than anything when I blurted a question that caused her eyes to pop out and explode.

"What does it mean when I can't stop thinking of a person's ass?" I asked.

She probably thought I was still a little too doped up on painkillers and was running off with the fairies. She also thought I was talking about her. It was true that I ran to her rescue and I had a hard time figuring out the difference between duty, love and lust. The last two was closely connected with that tight ass I was still thinking of in that flight suit. So I guess with Relena it became more of duty.

"Heero," she tittered softly, blushing either embarrassed or flattered. My guess was both. "That's not a very polite thing to say." She reached out and touched my hand.

I was thinking it was about time to nip that misconception in the bud. "Yeah," I continued, feigning stupidity. "Duo fills out a flight suit rather well, doesn't he?"

It was hard to sit there and watch her face fall. She was disappointed and sad, so sad. It really hurt me to hurt her, but I didn't want her to go on with life believing a lie. And also I didn't want someone stalking me and thinking I would come and save her every time she screwed up. I probably would do the latter but she didn't have to know that right?

"You're gay?" She asked in a timid voice, her ice blue eyes downcast. She could have been fighting tears but that was also something the coward in me didn't want to know. She was a good girl, and a very sweet one at that, but she deserved more than I could ever give her. She deserved someone that was totally committed to her, not someone who would forever try to check out Duo's ass… amongst other things.

I shrugged, then realised it was a huge mistake as that movement reawakened all my aches and pain. "I guess I am. But then, the only person I am attracted to, was ever attracted to, is Duo. So can you say I… don't do labels?"

Relena smiled at my rather frank explanation and nodded.

During those boring days where I wasn't allowed visitors and Relena was there because she was the Vice Foreign Minister, we came up with a plan to get Duo. I could tell she was trying her best to get over her resentment of Duo claiming the interest of the person she thought she was in love with. To me, stalking doesn't constitute love.

Duo didn't have a flattering impression on her either. He thought her a rather spoilt and selfish little girl who went around following someone that obviously didn't want and didn't need her attention. More than once, her interference almost cost us our lives. In spite of that, I began to think of her as my best friend. Someone I can moan and whine too when my plans with Duo backfired. Apparently Shinigami was rather dense when it came to relationships as well. Friendships he could do, but when it came to love… I had so much experience helping him through his panic attacks that now, I could claim to be an expert.

I still winced when I thought of the hours the two would fight over my hospital bed, once I was allowed visitors of course. Then things changed. I wasn't sure when, or how but as Duo's and my relationship progressed, with no small help and prodding from Relena, Duo and Relena stopped bitching at each other.

One memory was forever carved into my mind. I was just coming back from work when I heard suspicious noises within Duo and my shared apartment. Yes, finally I managed to cajole Duo to move in with me. Of course, then I used the excuse that I had insufficient monetary resources and I needed a roommate; I almost choked when I realised I was going to say 'bedmate'.

Instantly on alert, I reached for my gun, only to realise that construction workers and former Gundam pilots were not allowed to carry firearms. It was one of the really rare times that I cursed peace and wished for the chaos of war again. Who cared that a fifteen year old ran around carrying firearms and piloting a machine of mass destruction then?

I heard another soft sound from inside the apartment and this time I could recognise it. It was a sob, a soft sob of a woman. Joining it was a soft murmuring. This one was very familiar to me. Duo, he often murmured in his sleep, during sex, during… erm, never mind. Then once again, another sob. Unable to help myself, fearing the worst of my partner and best friend, I burst through the door. And when I mean burst through, I meant 'burst through'. Duo wasn't too happy with the fact that we had to replace the door hinges _and_ the door during that little show of testosterone.

But apparently, Duo didn't realise that someone had broken the door down that time. Relena and him were huddled on the couch, his arm around her and her head tucked into the crook of his neck. If it was anyone other than Relena, I would have put a bullet through that strumpet's head. Or, since I was without a gun, the skillet.

"Shh…" Duo muttered, rubbing Relena's back in what I assume to be a soothing fashion. Since there were no knives in Duo's hand, I didn't fear for her life. Though Duo had never physically threatened Relena, during their more spectacular outbursts, he had verbally threatened to kill her.

"But… but… they killed his _father_!" Relena dissolved into loud bawling.

"Yeah, but he ran away right? He's alright, isn't he?" Duo consoled, placing a soft kiss on the crown of Relena's fair hair.

I think I lost control of my jaw right about then. Where was my jealous lover and what has this impostor done with him? And when did they go from best adversaries to seemingly best friends? I think I cleared my throat a few times before I could manage speak and that warned them of my presence.

Still they were wrapped in each other's arms. At least Duo spared me a 'welcome home' smile, Relena just continued sniffing.

"Who died?" I asked, a little tactlessly I might add because Relena burst into tears again and I got a glare from Duo. It was then I saw a DVD cover lying on top of the TV.

The Lion King… my lover and Relena were watching Disney together? Alright, my mind had stopped permanently.

"Come on, 'Lena dear," Duo helped the sobbing girl up. "Let's go wash your face and I will check on the flan alright? Nothing chases away the sniffles more than a good flan."

Flan… since when has the word flan got into my lover's vocabulary? And what in the world was a flan? Did Duo suddenly acquired a speech impediment and meant fan? That made even less sense. How would a _fan_ chase away the sniffles? By blowing them away?

"Okay," Relena said meekly before disappearing into the bathroom to wash her face. Swinging behind her was a braid reminiscent of my boyfriend's.

"What's that?" I pointed at it, following Duo into the kitchen area, forgetting for the moment the busted door.

Duo looked before opening the fridge and checking on what I assumed to be the flan, a light cream coloured something that I doubt I would touch with a ten foot pole. "That's a braid."

I walked over and gripped his long rope of hair possessively and pulled. It irked me to see someone following his hairdo. That was one of the things I loved about Duo. "Why does she have it?"

Duo jerked back and gifted me with a glare. He set the flan carefully onto the counter and released the braid from my grip. "Because I braided it for her, is that a problem?"

The hinges of my jaw disappeared again. I think they went for a trip to the Caribbean for a nice tropical holiday.

Duo grinned at me and leaned forward, whispering softly in my ear. "Close your mouth unless you want to use it for something else."

Okay, I think Duo was the only person that _dared_ make the Perfect Soldier blush. And blush I did. Rather spectacularly I might add. Ooh, I was so going to enjoy punishing him later for this transgression.

"You wanted us to be friends, so we are," Duo continued as if it didn't matter.

"How?" I blurted.

Duo looked over at me and winked. "We traded hair secrets."

I rolled over in bed, dragging the sheet over my head to block out the sunlight. Traded hair secrets indeed. Duo was going to be the death of me. I guess them being good friends was worse than them being hated enemies. Soon after that little incident, Relena started spending more and more time over at our apartment. Since we were both more than capable of handling any security threat, once the door was replaced, there was little issue about her being with us.

I soon realised that everything we did involved Relena. We ate together, we took trips together, we hung out together and thank God, we didn't sleep together. Though, there were those with the filthier of thought that suggested that we had some odd ménage a trois going on. I have never seen Duo move so fast before. I didn't even see his arm move and the next moment, the person was lying on the ground, nursing a swollen jaw.

"Nobody speaks about Relena that way," Duo growled, looking very much like a God of Death indeed.

Did I mention just how sexy Duo look when he was being protective? Though he wasn't being protective about me, but hey, I was the one who was going to do him into the bed tonight, so I was not going to quibble about details.

More than once I found the two sitting together, their heads huddled close. There was the usual whispering and I found out each night what exactly what the whispering was all about. I tried to eavesdrop on their often naughty conversations mostly involving where my G-spot might be and soon decided that getting traumatised wasn't worth it. Who knew an innocent like Relena would know so much about the joys of gay sex? Did I say innocent? Scrap innocent. Slap horns and a forked tail on her and you had the devil incarnate. She was corrupting my poor Duo. Once I asked Duo of his actual sexuality, though it hardly mattered but as they say, curiosity killed the cat.

"Oh," Duo said, grinning. "I am neither homosexual nor bisexual."

Okay, that was interesting. "Really?"

Duo nodded, exchanging a naughty look with Relena who was unsuccessfully trying to stifle her giggles. "I'm trisexual."

At this point Relena burst into laughter while I was left confused and issued a very intelligent, "Huh?"

Duo peeked at me through narrowed eyes. "I 'try' everything."

Damn, damn, damn. The Perfect Soldier doesn't blush. I definitely didn't complain when that night, Duo showed me just exactly what he was willing to 'try'. Some days I really didn't know if I should thank Relena or send poisonous snakes to her bed when she sleeps. My poor innocent Duo was innocent no longer thanks to her.

I sat up in bed, unable to sleep any longer. I haven't thought that much about our relationship and Relena's for such a long time and each time, it only serves to give me a huge migraine. I realised that I was pouting at some point. Me, Heero Yuy, pouting. Someone was going to die. And that someone would be Relena Peacecraft. She was the one who took my partner away for the day, causing me to sulk. Though let's not say sulk, since Heero Yuy would rather dig out his own eyes with his fingers than admit to such a childish reaction.

But damn, Duo was supposed to give me a massage today and Relena 'I-hate-your-stalking-ass' Peacecraft had to give him a call the night before about going out. They had been going out alone more often recently and I found them whispering behind my back more frequently as well. This usually stopped when they realised I was aware of it or in the room. I didn't know whether to be concerned or otherwise. I trusted Duo with my life and my heart but still…

The phone rang, piercing the sharp silence like a knife. I picked it up sullenly. "What?"

Duo's laughter rang in my ears. "Well, morning to you too, sunshine."

Suddenly, the bad mood fell away. "Duo? Are you coming back now?"

"No, I was wondering if you could join us?" He spoke louder, trying to make himself heard above the noise. He sounded like he was outside or something. I heard him speaking to Relena. "No, 'Lena, Heero likes the ribbed one. See if you can get any in strawberry flavour."

I resisted the urge to throw the phone across the room in embarrassment. Did they really have to do _everything_ together? "You're still with her?" I muttered, my bad mood returning swiftly. I like Relena and all but I just wanted some time alone with my lover. Was that so much to ask?

"Yeah, can you come out and meet us at Quatre's place?" Duo repeated. "Alright?" He continued without me agreeing to anything. "So we will see you there at about 12? Good. Okay, bye." And he hung up without me getting a word in edgewise.

I was left staring at the phone and glaring at it. If it wasn't an inanimate object, I was sure it would have died. Since I could deny Duo nothing, I grudgingly got up, showered, changed and got my ass down over to Quatre's. I haven't been over there for a long time. Most weekends were spent at the Peacecraft's lush estate and I forgotten how beautiful the Winner Mansion was. I stood at the door way, half expecting Duo running out to tackle me to the floor. It was a painful type of greeting but one that I enjoyed, though not necessarily on hard asphalt, or cold marble, or slippery tiles… alright, so maybe I didn't really like being tackled to the ground all that much. But who asked me to be such a sap for anything Duo did? If the word 'cute' slips out, please kill me now.

I rang the bell a couple of times but uncharacteristically, the Winner's efficient team of house helpers didn't come to open the door. Feeling a moment of concern that something might be truly wrong, I knocked again. To my surprise, the door creaked open on its own accord. The door swung wide and I found myself staring at an empty foyer.

"Hello?" I called out tentatively my voice echoing in the ridiculously large room. I strained my ears, wondering if something was truly wrong, and heard hushed whispering. Frowning, I followed the sound to the hall, or as Quatre called it, the Blue Receiving Room. I pressed my ear against the closed door, hearing only dead silence within.

Not really concerned that something was wrong, since there were perpetually 40 Manguanacs running around the estate, making sure no one who was not welcome didn't get in, I push the heavy panel open.

Something hard, brown and with a long rope of hair streaked toward me and landed on my chest. Okay, I fell to the floor and 'it' landed on my chest, hard. Ouch.

I came back to myself with Duo hovering above me, his eyes shining and smiling impishly. Did I mention how sexy he looked smiling impishly? No, that was protective. Well, I liked impish as well. To be honest, I loved being tackled down to the cold marble floor. It was rather nice actually, especially when there was a sexy ass like Duo wiggling against my stomach.

"Happy Birthday, baby," Duo grinned, leaning over to give me a kiss when it finally registered that the entire room was in an uproar of congratulations and merry making.

Relena sidled into view and wished me a happy birthday herself. I had forgotten all about it, since technically, I didn't know exactly when my real birthday was. But Duo placed a great importance on that date. Never give him a reason to celebrate. He was unlikely to ever forget it.

"I told you he didn't suspect anything," Relena said smugly to Duo, who was helping me to my feet. Our friends were waiting just beyond, wine glasses in hand.

Duo draped an arm around Relena. "You always have to be right don't you?"

"Of course, I am a woman," Relena sniffed with her nose in the air.

"Really?" Duo mocked shock. "I really didn't notice." He got a punch in the side for his efforts. My lover then turned to me. "Are you going to stand there for the rest of the day? This is for you." He smiled sweetly at me, his eyes promising a lot of 'us' time later.

I was so going to hold him to that. Sighing happily, I ambled after them. I suddenly forgot why I was so annoyed at Relena earlier. After all, life wasn't complete without celebrating your birthday with your lover and your former stalker. It was a bonus that the two of them just happened to be best friends.

The end.

Soooo… did I manage to twitch a smile from you?


End file.
